The Sky Is Always On My Side

Well, it’s been weeks since my last post. I guess I fooled myself into believing that the only reason I wasn’t writing was that by some miracle of a chance I was happy. That the only reason I avoided reading the blogs I usually read, and writing in my own — was that I was happy. Of course, you really can only lie to yourself for so long before you realize that it’s entirely pointless. What is, is. And you just have to learn to death with things the way they are. Change them if you must, but there’s no use pretending. Just deal. However you can.

I’ve been listening to a song I used to love recently. It’s called Gloomy Sunday and it’s a remake (slightly altered) of the famous “Hungarian Suicide Song” of the same title, that is done by MC Sniper. It’s in Korean, but I like it. I looked up the translated lyrics, and really liked them. Especially the line: “The sky is always on my side”. Don’t know why, but I like it the most. It’s the one repeated throughout most of the song. I like it. It’s comforting, in a weird way. The entire song, comforting. Almost as if the music is just carrying me away to another world where I’m free to feel how I do in peace. No one telling me that I need to get better overnight, no one making me feel like I’m a horrible person because of my flaws. Sanctuary. There, my flaws are accepted. They’re expected. When they’re dealt with, I’ll leave and go back to reality.

I wish I had more to write about, honestly. But when I’m not pretending to be happy, I don’t feel much of anything, and therefore, don’t have much to say about how I’m honestly feeling.

I turn 19 in 6 days.
Celebrating another year that I’ve made myself push through.
I didn’t think I’d live to see 19.
I never thought I’d live to see my graduation either.
Now the question is… am I going to be able to see myself go to college? Or do I want to?

I’m not making sense.
I am sorry.