So, I had two more of those little episodes last night, and I’m really starting to lose my patience with them. I’m stressed, I get it. Quit fucking with me and let me deal with the bloody stress, kapeesh? They’re basically just making everything worse. It sucks because I stop breathing for just a little bit, but it freaks me out to no end when I can’t breathe, and of course, if it keeps happening someone’s going to make me go back to the stupid hospital, or to the clinic. I don’t really want to, because doctors only do one of two things.
1) Give me stupid medication that fucks me up even worse.
2) Do absolutely nothing, tell me I’m fine, and basically waste my time.
So, I admitted to both myself, and my boyfriend the reason why I hate myself so much. You know, my lovely manipulative nature that I mentioned in a previous post? It pretty much eats at me, knowing that’s what I’m doing to people, and being fully aware of it as I’m doing it. But at the same time I’ll start thinking people won’t care about me anymore if I’m “better” or “normal”.
That’s a lovely cycle. Depression -> manipulation -> guilt -> punishing myself -> depression -> repeat until I’m able to break the cycle.
See, the worst part of it all, is that I’m very aware of everything, but I can’t seem to make myself get past it. Maybe I just don’t want to get past it. I’m not entirely sure.
Bleh, it’s early. I’ll probably write something else later.
